Spotting a 'please don't tell your parent' message · DCC Kids

💡 The big idea

Adults who want to harm children online don't usually do it suddenly. They build up slowly — asking small questions, giving small gifts, saying flattering things — while gradually asking the child to keep the contact secret from their parents.

This isn't about any particular app. It's a pattern. And once you know what the pattern looks like, it's much easier to spot and much easier to respond to.

The goal of this activity is not to make you afraid. Most people you talk to online are fine. The goal is to give you a few specific things to recognise — so that if it ever does happen, you're not confused by it.

🚦 Five signals to know

These are the most common patterns. One alone might not be a problem — but two or more together is a clear signal to tell a trusted adult.

🤫

"Please don't tell your parents"

Any adult who asks a child to hide contact from their parents — for any reason — is using the most obvious signal of all.

💬

"You're so mature for your age"

Flattery that separates you from your peers and from your family — "you understand things most kids your age don't."

🎁

Gifts — Robux, V-Bucks, game items, gift cards

Offering in-game currency or online gifts — especially in exchange for keeping the contact private.

📱

"Let's move to Snapchat" or "somewhere more private"

Suggesting a move to apps where messages disappear automatically — so there's no record of the conversation.

🏠

"Are you home alone?"

Asking when you're unsupervised — at home alone, parents at work, caregiver out. Trying to find a time when no adult is nearby.

🔍 The difference that matters

Keeping secrets between friends is a completely normal part of life at your age. This module is not about that. Here is the difference:

✅ Normal peer secrets

You and a friend are planning a surprise birthday party for another friend
A classmate tells you something personal and asks you not to share it
You and a group are keeping something fun private between yourselves

These secrets are between peers. Nobody is trying to harm you.

⚠️ A different kind of secret

An adult (or much older person) asks you to keep your contact with them secret from your parents
Someone says "this is just between us — your parents wouldn't understand"
You're asked to delete messages or move to an app where they disappear

These secrets ask you to hide the person from the adults who protect you.

The rule is simple: Adults who genuinely care about children are happy for their parents to know about the relationship. Someone who asks you to hide the contact from your parents — for any reason — is not looking out for you.

🎭 Three phrases you might hear

Caregiver: read each one out loud. Ask your child: "What signal do you hear in this?" Discuss it together before reading the explanation.

Phrase 1

"I'll give you 1,000 Robux if you don't tell your mom and dad we're talking."

The signals: Gift + secrecy request together. The gift is being offered in exchange for hiding the contact — that's the clearest combination to recognise. Real friends don't pay you to keep them secret.

Phrase 2

"You're so mature — you understand things that most kids your age don't. You don't need to tell your parents about our conversations."

The signals: Flattery + secrecy request. The flattery is designed to make you feel special and separate from your family. "You're mature" is being used to suggest that your parents' involvement is unnecessary — or even an insult to your intelligence.

Phrase 3

"Hey, let's move our conversations to Snapchat — it's more private and the messages disappear, so it's just between us."

The signal: Platform switch to auto-delete app. The reason messages "disappearing" matters to this person is that there would be no record of what was said. Any adult who wants no record of their contact with you is not being safe.

🗣️ What to say

You don't need to argue, explain yourself, or respond to what they said. Practice this phrase until it feels natural:

"I'm telling a trusted adult. This feels off."

Caregiver: say this together three times. Then have your child say it alone. Keep it calm — this should feel like a useful, normal thing to say, not a dramatic one.

You don't have to respond at all. Closing the app, stepping away from the screen, and going to a trusted adult is a complete and correct response. You do not owe anyone an explanation for why you're leaving the conversation.

Who is a trusted adult?

A parent or caregiver is the first choice. If they're not available: a teacher, school counsellor, another family member, or a library staff member. If you did the Ages 4–6 or 7–9 "safe grown-up" activities, the same people on that list still count.

In Canada, you can also report online sexual exploitation directly to Cybertip.ca — the Canadian Centre for Child Protection's reporting line. It is confidential and free.

📱 This happens on any app

The pattern matters, not the platform.
These signals can appear in a game chat, a DM, a comment thread, a Discord server, or anywhere else online. The apps themselves are not the problem — most people use them safely. The behaviour described here can happen anywhere, so recognising the pattern is more useful than avoiding specific apps.

❓ If this is already happening

If you recognise any of these signals in something that's already happening or has happened:

You don't need to respond to the person. You can leave the conversation at any point.
If it's safe to do so, take a screenshot or note what was said.
Tell a trusted adult — a parent, caregiver, teacher, or counsellor.
If you're in Canada and it involves sexual content or contact, you can report it at Cybertip.ca.

This is not about anything you did.

Adults who use these patterns are very good at making young people feel like they chose the relationship or that they did something to invite it. That's part of the pattern.

If this has happened to you: it was not because of anything you did wrong. The pattern is something adults do to children — it is not something you caused. Telling a trusted adult is the right thing to do, and you will not be in trouble for it.

→

Next: Creating a strong password you can remember

The passphrase method — a silly sentence that becomes a secure, memorable password.

For caregivers

Why this module exists — the research

Online grooming — the process by which adults build trust with children in order to exploit them — follows predictable patterns. The Canadian Centre for Child Protection (Cybertip.ca) documents consistent patterns including secrecy requests, flattery, gift-giving, platform migration to auto-delete apps, and questions about adult supervision. These patterns appear across platforms and across reported cases.

At ages 10–12, peer secrets are developmentally meaningful and valued — which is precisely what makes the "don't tell your parents" request effective. Children at this age understand social loyalty and discretion. This module is designed to teach the specific distinction that matters: peer secrets between friends are normal; an adult asking a child to hide their contact from that child's parents is a different category entirely.

Research on disclosure consistently shows that children who have explicitly rehearsed a response are more likely to use it. The muscle-memory phrase ("I'm telling a trusted adult. This feels off.") is designed to be practiced, not just read.

How to approach this activity

✅ Helpful approaches

Frame it as recognising a pattern — not as fearing all strangers
Acknowledge that most online contact is fine
Practice the response phrase together, calmly
Confirm: "You can always tell me. You won't be in trouble."
Let your child set the pace — don't push through discomfort

🚫 Avoid

Graphic or detailed descriptions of abuse scenarios
Framing every online interaction as potentially dangerous
Naming specific platforms as "bad" — the pattern is the issue
Shame-based framing: "if you had only..." or "why were you talking to..."
Making children feel watched or distrusted after the activity

If your child discloses during or after this activity that something has already happened: respond calmly, thank them for telling you, and follow the appropriate reporting steps. Cybertip.ca (cybertip.ca) accepts reports of online sexual exploitation of children and is confidential. Do not attempt to investigate or confront the person yourself.

For library programme facilitators and school staff — please read before running this module:

This is the highest-sensitivity module in the 10–12 curriculum. Running it may prompt a child to disclose that something described has already happened to them or is currently happening. This is a good outcome — but you must be prepared for it.

Before running this module: know your organisation's child safeguarding and disclosure protocol. If you are unsure what it is, find out before the session. You are not expected to investigate, resolve, or counsel — your role is to receive the disclosure calmly, take it seriously, and follow the protocol.

Do not promise confidentiality to a child. The correct response to a disclosure is: "Thank you for telling me. I'm going to make sure the right people know so they can help you." Then follow your organisation's protocol.

Canadian Centre for Child Protection resources for educators and practitioners: protectchildren.ca · Cybertip.ca reporting: cybertip.ca

Sources

Canadian Centre for Child Protection. Commit to Kids programme. protectchildren.ca
Cybertip.ca. Online child sexual exploitation reporting. Canadian Centre for Child Protection. cybertip.ca
Wolak, J., Finkelhor, D., Mitchell, K. J., & Ybarra, M. L. (2008). Online "predators" and their victims: Myths, realities, and implications for prevention. American Psychologist, 63(2), 111–128.
Kowalski, R. M., Giumetti, G. W., Schroeder, A. N., & Lattanner, M. R. (2014). Bullying in the digital age. Psychological Bulletin, 140(4), 1073–1137.
MediaSmarts Canada. Online Safety curriculum resources. mediasmarts.ca
Public Safety Canada. National Strategy for the Protection of Children from Sexual Exploitation on the Internet. publicsafety.gc.ca